Today I was invited to share some ideas of how to replenish, recharge, and renew as a caregiver. We talked about how to find joy among the challenges of being a caregiver of a TBI survivor. I'm so grateful for this opportunity as it gave me a chance to reflect back on the last 19 years as well as talk with other caregiver friends for ideas. Although every situation is different, we brainstormed lots of ideas in order to find those things that would work for each one. Here are some ideas we talked about.
Just like my grandmother's button box, we have to find the right button that fits the situation. What may fit with one person, may not fit with another. Don't feel guilty if you try something that other people like to do, but it just doesn't bring you joy. It's okay. I once attended a quilting class that many of my friends love. I see their excitement and love their quilts. However, the first month I went I stressed so much about trying to get my block ready for the next month, that I finally realized this was causing me more stress than joy. For me, it was not the right button. Instead of acting like Cinderella's wicked stepsisters who tried to make the glass slipper fit, we can simply find another shoe. We don't have to fit the shoe in order to find joy and a happy ending, we can find the shoe that fits us and our situations.
Just like my grandmother's button box, we have to find the right button that fits the situation. What may fit with one person, may not fit with another. Don't feel guilty if you try something that other people like to do, but it just doesn't bring you joy. It's okay. I once attended a quilting class that many of my friends love. I see their excitement and love their quilts. However, the first month I went I stressed so much about trying to get my block ready for the next month, that I finally realized this was causing me more stress than joy. For me, it was not the right button. Instead of acting like Cinderella's wicked stepsisters who tried to make the glass slipper fit, we can simply find another shoe. We don't have to fit the shoe in order to find joy and a happy ending, we can find the shoe that fits us and our situations.
Let's talk about some buttons then. First of all, Brenet Brown talks about buttons we have to be careful of. These are the easy buttons or escape buttons that we use to numb and not think about stress. Often they are self-destructive and don't replenish us. We may think they momentarily help us forget or be happy, but in the end they usually don't. For me, one of those is binge watching. I find when I binge watch tv shows I ended up becoming cranky with my family and snippety. The TV shows themselves aren't bad, but what I do with them does not nourish me. So I have to be careful of how often I use those easy buttons.
On the flip side, Brenet Brown talks about reset buttons, or what I called recharge buttons. These are things that we can do to recharge and replenish ourselves. As caregivers these are critical in order to help us be able to continue to give to our loved ones. We talked about the lesson learned from Lightning McQueen in the movie Cars. When he chose to skip his pit stop in the race at the beginning of the movie, he suffered the consequence in the last lap when he blew two tires and ended up at the finish line with his tongue hanging out and his car in sad shape. He had to learn the lesson of working with others and taking time for maintenance. Steven R. Covey calls his his 7th habit of "Sharpening the Saw". As caregivers, we must regularly take time to find joy and renew ourselves.
There are many ways to recharge. Sometimes we can do little things that only take moments like drinking a glass of water, breathing, watching wildlife, enjoying nature, watching a child, or reading a poem or inspiring quote. Other times we carve out a little more time to connect with a friend, take a walk, play a game, read a book, or create something. Periodically, it's also good to plan for some extended time to get away and visit with family, attend a conference, or take a vacation. Some of these things we need to do by ourselves to have a break from caregiving, and other things we can learn to do with our TBI survivor in order to experience joy in our lives. It's important to find a balance in our life because we cannot give from an empty cup.
Over the last 19 years, we have explored many things to see what brings us joy. Some of our explorations were quite successful, like our bike trip to the Hiawatha Trail in Montana. Others were not so successful, like our bike tour of London. In each case, though, we learned something important and kept exploring. Never give up. Just this year we discovered that Laurent loves to listen to audio books and to do puzzles. We didn't figure that out before. Now, we have new ways besides music that bring him joy in his life. Together, we have also discovered that we like to visit places like Thanksgiving Point Gardens and the Living Aquarium. Sometimes it takes a little thought, creativity, and extra planning to be able to do something with your TBI survivor, but in the end it is so worth it.
Wes Stafford, former president and CEO of Compassion International once said, "Joy is a decision, a really brave one, about how you are going to respond to life." Life's hard. Choose joy anyway.
